Hello.

Music

Man so, its pretty easy to fucking hate where you’re at in life huh? Even after having a good time for a while, its easy to work it back, but then one little event happens. You start to feel what pure bliss feels like again, just like when you climbed a mountain and got to the top.

A couple country boys

All I can do is give thanks to those two guys tonight. Because they showed me what it was like to feel THAT happy again, even if it was for only 3 hours. Even though I don’t have a girl, with a blue dress that I can tear the hardwood floors up with. Even though I don’t have someone that sends shivers down my spine that I can let down and down again with my worn down excuse and misguided judgement of substance abuse.

Thanks

What caused it to return so soon?

October really wasn’t that bad of a month. I felt pretty good the majority of a month for the first time in a while. Then why did one moment in November ruin that feeling?

A look, a laugh, a baited breath?

A touch, a feel, a brush?

A sight, a sound, a feeling?

A thought, a played scenario, a day dream?

A little but of jealousy at my friends and their lives?

A little to much booze, a flipped turtle, a drunken cigarette?

A town of people I think I know?

A car, a torch, a death?

I wish I knew whatever it was that flipped the switch in my head so often.

Feelings like this are why I miss the mountains so

Someone once told me that for as dumb as I can be, I’m pretty good with words

A slow day at a job I feel indifferent about seems like as good a time as any. I think it was my first year of college, 6/7 years ago now that I was last really active here. A lot of the accounts I use to follow pretty religiously are either inactive, changed their name, or just gone because of Tumblr changing its guidelines a while back. It’s the same in name but it‘s different underneath, something I feel similar too.

Shawn

I’ve lost and gained a lot of things over the years. I’ve changed and the best way I can think to put it, is that there’s been about 4 different versions of me. I would have described me 7 years ago as a stupid kid who didn’t know how to handle his emotions for the sake of others. He day-dreamed about the future and it scared him. Now I’d call myself a stupid adult that can’t handle his emotions for the sake of me. I day-dream about the present and it scares me.

Not just one, but many

I think the biggest loss I’ve had over time was the loss of my innocence and the belief that me and my friends were invincible. 4 years (almost) ago when the cancer hit Jayce out of the blue, I think that was the biggest thing that changed me. That phone call of him getting rushed to a big hospital broke a lot of the arrogance I’d ever had built up in myself. I’d lost a lot of things at that point. I’d gained and lost love, lost the idea of teaching, lost the love I had for being outside in the cold, lost playing ultimate all the time, lost being next to the family I’d had built because of ultimate, and then I lost the rock I’d had for 13 years and was alone in Ohio. It’s an eye-opening moment when cancer hits, especially someone just turned 21. Working 109 hours a week for a whole month also puts things in perspective. He fought harder than anyone I’ve ever seen fight anything, until he couldn’t anymore. I lost a lot of innocence that night at the hospital. By some for of grace, the same weekend I was heading back for an ultimate tournament to be with that family, I got a phone call from his family asking to make sure I’d stop in Indy. That day his dad told the chaplain and the doctors that I was his brother and I needed to be there for his last night. I’ll never forget saying my goodbye alone and seeing tears come out of his closed eyes. That was the exact moment I lost a lot. The day after was when I gained a very bad drinking habit. I also started to lose my emotions and that was the big switch from how I use to handle them to now. I started keeping people at arms length and really dove into attacking myself more than anything. I ended up losing the road I’d been on for 5 years and lost some of the things I use to like about myself.

Feeling old feelings and steps toward growth(?)

After Jayce passed I ended up in West by God Virginia and it was a saving grace and an inhibitor. I gained a lot of good friends from work and just being there, but I was living at the bar every might and working a very dangerous job every day. I stumbled back into an old relationship that wasn’t healthy anymore and we stayed in it for a while (we’ll call her Alice, I’m sorry. I’m really truly glad you’re engaged and you’ve found that guy). One day I was at work in charge of 13 people and was coming down from a drunk of the night before and put myself in the most dangerous position I could. Something had to be done so I got down in the hole and put my own line on the hands of an operator’s control (I’m sorry about that one too Michelle). That night I called Jayce’s dad and we had a 3 hour conversation at a Bdubs discussing every emotion we’d felt since Jayce passed. It was an eye-opening night I needed because I hadn’t realized until then that I was subconciously feeling sucidial again. Instead of closing my eyes and hitting the gas pedal in the rain, I was putting myself between machine and rock hard Earth. I left WV soon after. I spent almost a year drunk at home not coping. I went back to WV and cranked it back to 10 but I was surrounded by a family on the road again and felt some kind of okay. I came back home and turned it back down but stayed drunk for almost 2 years.

Admit it

Doesn’t one of those steps programs have acceptance or admitting your problems as a way to acknowledge your problems? If not let’s pretend it is. I’m going to do my best at admitting the flaws I have and what I’ve done, and the positives (because everyone knows I’m awful about pointing out the good things).

1. I admit that I’m not the best person all the time. I will say that I’ve actively over the years tried to be more helpful to people I know and don’t know. I try and leave a place better than when I found it.
2. I admit I’ve wronged people and put a lot of emotional baggage on people and I’m sorry. Put it back on me.
3. I admit I’ve had a drinking problem for 4 years now. I’ down to only drinking in the weekends and not blacking out every time I see a bottle.
4. I admit I am, have been, and will be again, depressed. I don’t know if I’ll go for therapy because of past issues with it, but I’m scheduling a few new tattoo.
5. I admit I have been lazy and full of self-pity. I forced myself out of bed and got a winter job that’s forced me into a routine again.
6. I admit I got fat and didn’t look out for my health. I started back at the gym and I lost 22 pounds in October alone. Feel a little better.
7. I admit that I’ll continue to have the fault of sticking to my feelings about people and making it harder to change those feelings. I am a flawed human, but I don’t bottle things anymore. I try and be honest and communicate.
8. I admit that I’m still lost. I’m slowly handling my past better, but I’m still somewhat wondering through life.
9. I admit I feel alone. I think the emotion that took the hardest hit was just love. I haven’t felt anything like it in a long time. I love my friends and I’d do anything for them, but I miss having someone. It’s been a long time.
10. I admit this was long and winded and a little jumbled. I rewrote this in my head a bunch over the past couple days because I needed to let some of this out. If you see it, my bad.
11. I admit that I’m sorry. I am me, and I am growing.